Funny Karate Jokes

And other funny one-liners from you

Self defense is serious business, but funny karate jokes and humorous one-liners are not. So every once in a while take a break from the more traditional karate lesson, read and share a comical karate story with us.

Add your amusing karate joke, quote or one-liner at the bottom of the page. You just may be rewarded with a coveted spot on this website (you weren't expecting prize money were you?)

Your Newest Funny Karate Jokes

Chuck Norris was here

"Sais Does Matter"

       contributed by: Ho Lee Chit

Song Moo Kwan Martial Arts. Touch Me, and your first lesson is free

I didn't fall... I attacked the floor!

"Ninja's are Lame"  said no one ever

I'm not saying I'm a Ninja. I'm just saying no one has seen me and a Ninja at the same time!

The most deceptive martial art

Recently I met yet another very skilled martial artist about the same age as myself, and we began discussing the different styles and techniques that come from the various cultures of the world, and the pros and cons of each. 

While we were in agreement that all warfare is deception, we did not see eye to eye on which style is the most deceptive.

"You can't even see a ninja coming, with his full body & face black uniform coming at you under the cover of darkness- there's nothing more deceptive than that!", he boasted.

I said, "Grasshopper, you have much to learn...the Mexican Martial Arts are FAR more deceptive than that".

"Wha? Mexican mart- What are you talking about?", he gassed.

With my best serene Zen-like-Buddha gaze I replied, "Judo-nt know if they got a gun, Judo-nt know if they got a knife, Judo-nt know if they are-"{at which point he punched me in the face} LOL

Thanks to: Homey Cool,  St. Louis, MO USA

On the way to a karate tournament,  a Karate Masters car battery dies and leaves him stranded in the streets. He pulls out his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck and walks into a bar looking for help.

The bartender sees him as he walks in and says " I will serve you a drink but just don't start anything.

3 white belts walk into a bar screaming 30 days, 30 days. They order drinks at the bar and the bartender asks what's all the commotion about. The blonde says "We put this puzzle together in just 30 days and the box said 3 to 5 years !!!"

Submitted by Steven Altman, Virginia Beach, VA

A Blind man goes into a ladies bar, sits at the bar and turns to the woman next to him and says, "Do yo want to hear a blonde joke?"
   The woman replies, "As you are blind I feel it only fair to warn you, this is a ladies bar, I'm blonde and a champion at karate, my two friends are blonde and professional wrestlers and the barmaid is blonde. Now do you really want to tell that joke?"
   The blind man thinks for a moment ... "No, I don't want to have to explain it four times."

There were two old buddies who continued to compete in judo tournaments well past their prime. One day, while relaxing after yet another competition, they were chatting and wondering if there is judo in heaven and made a pact that whoever passed away first would come back and let the other know.

   About a week later one of the old judoka passed away. About a month after that the surviving old judoka was at yet another competition when all of a sudden he saw an apparition. Sure enough it was his old buddy who had come back to see him.

   "Well, please tell me," asked the surviving judoka. "Are there judo competitions in heaven?"
   "I have good news and bad news for you," replied the apparition to his old judo buddy. "The good news is that, yes, there are judo competitions in heaven. The bad news is you’re up first this Saturday

The Tournament

Noting that the tournament organizers seemed a little shorthanded Keith's dad approached the table. "Good morning," he said to the Director, "you look a little shorthanded. Anything I can do to help?"

"Well it just so happens we're short a fighter for the purple belt division," the director replied

"Sorry," Keith's dad said, "I don't know a thing about Karate."

"That's OK" said the director. "We need referees too!"

Tao of the Monk

To raise money for the karate school a monk was selling pizza. A man walked in and said, "Make me one with everything."
So the monk said that would be $15. The man handed the monk a twenty dollar bill.

After a minute he asked where his change was, to which the monk replied, "Change must come from within."

Watch Your Back!

A man walks into his favorite bar only to find a smaller man sitting on his favorite bar stool. The big guy sneaks up and knocks the little guy out with one move. The big guy looks at the bartender and says, “When this guy wakes up, tell him that was JuJutsu from Japan!!” The next night the same thing happens except the big guy tells the bartender; "When this guy wakes up, tell him that was Karate from Korea!!”

The third night the big guy comes in and the little guy isn’t there. Happy that he ran the little guy off, the big guy plops himself down on his favorite stool. The little guy comes in and sneaks up on the big guy and knocks him out and then says to the bartender, “When this guy wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart!!!”

How many Martial Arts Masters does it take to change a light bulb?

Infinite Number... because they all come with empty hands!

****   ****

Did you hear about the new Karate Video?

It became a Hit and a Blockbuster!
  - Thank you Rachel (US)

****  ****

Martial Arts Pig

I went into a Chinese butcher shop the other day and asked for some chops.

I came out with a sore neck ):
  - thanks to Jay from Manchester (UK)

Q; What do you call a pig who does karate?

A: A Pork Chop
 - Thanks to Jade Kopua from New Zealand

Q: If your Sensei makes you a drink, what will it be and what will it have in it?

A: It would be punch with a little kick to it. :)
 - Thank You Hannah (from Texas)

Q: What drink is served after belt ranking test and at all Karate parties?

A: Reverse Punch

Funny Karate Definitions

WANTED: Your funny karate jokes, definitions and one-liners. Click on the form below to send them to us!

...and a few other Japanese words..

What is the difference between Judo and Karate?

Karate is an ancient form of self defense, and Judo is what they make bagels out of!

Funny Karate Quotes

"Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world."
 -Dave Barry

Funny Karate One-Liners

A man says, "I have a Carrot-Tee." Now another man says. "Wow, can you show me!?" "Sure," the man says. As he brings out a Tee-shirt with a picture of a carrot on it.     Thanks, Dannica from Utah

*** ***

Q:  How many karate students does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Just one, but then all the rest stand around and say "That's not how MY Sensei said to do it!"

*** ***

My friend is an expert at karate. Unfortunately he was beaten up by three thugs when he was trying to take his socks and shoes off

*** ***

My cousin was an incredibly tough man. He was a karate black belt who eventually joined the army. Sadly the first time he saluted he killed himself.

Add YOUR Funny Karate Jokes, Quotes, One-liners or Stories HERE

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What Other Visitors Have Said

Click below to see contributions from other visitors to this page...

Knock knock karate 
Knock knock Who's there? Sensei Sensei who? I sensei bad joke coming.

The Black Belt Guard Dog 
A big construction worker tells his wife to go buy a guard dog. She calls the pet shop and the clerk tells her he has a dog available that knows karate. …

Q Who is the world's oldest karateka? A Ma Gerry (Mae geri) Q Who are Ma's brother and overweight sister? A Yoshero (Ushiro) and Yoko Tubby Gerry …

More black belts and bulbs 
How many black belts does it take to change a light bulb? None, black belts aren't afraid of the dark!

I can speak Japanese Not rated yet
One kid walks out of kid karate class and tells his dad "I can say shut up in Japaneese now!" The kid's father says "Really? Tell me how." The kid …

Martial Arts and Tea, and Sparring? Not rated yet
Have you ever wanted to spar your classmate because you were mad at them? I had the opportunity to spar with a friend of mine, and I really wanted …

Click here to write your own.

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